Category Archives: God

Conundrum (Part VII)

Conundrum (Part VII)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
3/14/11

The silence enveloped the room as I breastfed my daughter and gently rocked us back and forth in the large maple glider my parents had given me. Her ladybug light casted a soft glow in the corner of the room. I watched her suckle and with each blink caught the flashback of this exact moment with each of her sisters. With my oldest, I had this moment on my bed propped up against my pillows in my small studio apartment. I did the same with my second daughter, but it was in our house with her father next to me. I now sat in the makeshift nursery in my friend’s home alone with nothing but dreams and hopes.

The only recent contact I had with my husband was the divorce papers I was served the other day. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I actually felt sad. We were coming up on a year of being apart and I couldn’t tell you the last time we even talked or he contacted the kids. So why was this hurting? Why when I had embraced and accepted that I was doing this alone, did I feel like I was losing him all over again? I consistently prayed that God hadn’t forgotten me. Sometimes I believed I was just having a pity party, and the rest of the time I tried to hold onto the faith that He had me in the palm of His hand.

I signed the papers and sent them in the return envelope. It was against my faith, but I had to let go. Would God forgive me for giving up? I had continually asked myself this question since I mailed my vows away. But unfortunately my time in prayer had to be spent praying for my strength to support this family and thank my friend for her patience with my situation. I didn’t know if God was going to answer my prayers. I guess part of faith was hope, and I hoped God heard my prayers.

So in the dim glow of the makeshift nursery in my friend’s house, I said a single line to a prayer I had always rehearsed in its entirety, “Thy will be done.” I kissed my daughter and placed her in her tiny bassinet. “Thy will be done.”

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BFF IV

BFF IV
By: Mia L. Hazlett
3/2/11

My best friend, Rebecca. I loved that woman. She was the only person that could complete my sentences, go to the store a month after me and buy the same exact dress and not know I already have it, and most of all she knew my heart and protected it better than I did at times. I couldn’t think of the past 28 years being any different. She was the love of my life, the only person outside my family, that had known me almost my whole life and still wanted to be my friend.

The history that Becky and I shared was something that my husband couldn’t seem to get passed. Well maybe not just my husband, but Becky’s husband too. I will say at the very least Becky’s husband reached out and became my friend. So while he hated the fact that I knew everything about his life, he also understood that I wasn’t going anywhere and my advice didn’t always work in my friend’s favor.

I guess the problem I had was that my husband really didn’t do any outreach to Becky. He felt the same way her husband felt about our relationship, but I’m not sure that he could get passed his jealousy to reach out to my friend. One of the pacts Becky and I made in our childhood was that boys stink. As we got approached our teens, there was a boy that liked both of us. He got us to stop calling each other for a whole three days. From that point on, we promised no boy was more important than our friendship. Those three days will be held as the longest we’ve gone without speaking to each other.

The other promise we swore to each other was to never keep a secret. I think we both tried and failed at achieving any sort of promise to ourselves or others. Most people who told us not to tell anyone, would always receive my honesty that I would most likely tell Becky. Some shared, some didn’t, but at least they knew not even their deepest darkest secret would make me break my promise to my BFF.

Now I sat in my bedroom wondering how I had gone a week and at least six phone conversations without sharing the news of what my doctor told me three days ago. This was one time in their lives that my husband and Becky had reversed roles in my life. My husband has been there for me the past month as I’ve gone through all these tests. And now I think he was understanding why he didn’t want to be my best friend. It was a huge responsibility. He continued to ask me if I told Becky yet. I told him I wanted to wait for the results. And now, three days ago-the results, and I still hadn’t told her. How could I tell her I have cancer?

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Conundrum (Part VI)

Conundrum (Part VI)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/13/11

The test of strength forced itself upon my shoulders. My inner conflict of not wanting him in my life, battled the need of wanting to hold his hand as the contractions rippled their stifling pain to every delicate nerve in my body. But for each brief set of minutes that my body was given reprieve from the brutal attacks, I hated myself for thinking about him at a time that had nothing to do with him. So I had to force myself to focus on the voice of the nurse and not on the thoughts of abandonment.

That is what he had done to us. He had abandoned us. There were no more phone calls. The visits with our daughters had ceased . He had even gone so far as changing his phone number. Luckily I had made us a family before he left, so his disappearance was not surprising. Disappointing, yes. Surprising, no. I hate to say that it bordered relief, but I had released his failures to God, and kept it moving. I had no choice but to stand strong and guide my daughters through the loss of their father.

I tossed from side to side and when I opened my eyes, God took over. All thoughts of him left me as I tuned into my surroundings and felt my friend holding my hand and telling me how soon this would all be over. My oldest sat across the room on a loveseat and held her sister’s hand. Her anxious eyes never left me, and offered me more comfort than his hand ever could.

At the first cry of my new daughter, my past eight months no longer mattered. God had given me a new start and I wasn’t going to give a second thought to my past. Their future depended on me staying in the present. I cradled my new joy, with her sisters’ welcome crowding. As we crammed in the small mechanical bed, I made their sister the same promise I had made them when they were born; I was going to give her the world.

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Patience

Patience
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/4/11

I remain still and allow You to shape me into who I will become.
For it is from Your hands that perfection is made.
With an anxious faith, I patiently wait.

Your angels bestow favor upon me.
And with nothing to call my own, I reach to You.
You set aside my pride and mold me into humbleness.

You assure me my sacrifice will carry for generations,
For legacies cannot be built on sand.
You commend my transformation as it outlines an impenetrable foundation.

I remain encompassed in Your strength and allow my life to bend at Your will.
For it is from Your hands that I will delivered.
With prayerful praise, I paitently wait.

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Conundrum (Part V)

Conundrum (Part V)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/18/2010

As I came months from my due date, I had done a wonderful job of shutting everyone out of my life. There was just no one that truly understood the struggles that I faced as a single pregnant mother. Or so I thought. Because on my journey of shutting everyone out, there was a persistent friend that wouldn’t leave my side. She had been through everything with me and she refused to go away.

The problem with trying to maintain the image of strength on the outside when you feel you have very little on the inside, is the facade is easily recognized by those closest to you. So my best friend began to carry me as I mourned the loss of my self expectations.

With my child on its way, two kids, and the sprinkle of not enough, there was no way I could afford my lifestyle. I swallowed my pride and moved in with her and her two daughters. I had always called myself a Christian, but I had never explored faith. Now my friend was saying trust her, she had been in my shoes and it was going to be okay. What about my situation could speak to this “okay”?

As I began to move our stuff into her house, I noticed a small stone plaque near her front steps, “The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want” Psalm 23. She came up behind me and told me I was about to find out what that meant. That invoked a fear in me, because I didn’t want to want, I wanted to have. That was what I was used to. She laughed and told me to buckle myself in, because God was about to set my crooked path straight.

It wasn’t the first night in her house that I comprehended “okay”, nor the second or third. But it was a month later as we rearranged sleeping arrangements to set up the crib for my daughter. It was a month of living without all the “stuff” that I had allowed to mark my success. The material had always determined how far I was in my life. But with the departure of my husband, I felt a loss that couldn’t be replaced by stuff. I thought back to when she told me sell all my stuff and I laughed at her. Now I was rummaging through my “success” and locating the pictures and memories of my family. That’s all I wanted, all I needed. All the rest was replaceable.

In the blackness of the night, I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair next to the crib. There was a roof over my children’s head, clothes on their back, and they ate heartily. I smiled. At that moment in that room, I got it. “The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want,” Psalm 23.

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I dedicate this to a remarkable woman, Jennifer L. Texada. She is a wonderful friend and has stayed steadfast by my side as I’ve traveled down my path of faith. Without her loving heart and generosity, I would have turned around a long time ago. Thank you girl. You are a phenomenal woman. I am blessed to have you in my life.

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Waiting on Love

Waiting on Love
By: Mia L. Hazlett
9/29/10

He cautioned her impatience, because He knew through her haste, her emptiness would remain unfulfilled. It was He who commanded her to love again, to feel again, to want again. For He had made man for her, but she had to be still. Stillness had to encompass her being in preparation for love.

But she surrendered to the newness and bitterness consumed her past. Her heart had been awakened and touched. The control she once mastered, cowered to the man who had captured her. She fought to be released, but reveled in his persistence. He did not simply reside in her heart, but he consistently fed her mind.

As the battle within her raged, she grew weary. She knew that the love she required was unrequited. The stillness surrounded her and the emptiness returned. Before the void devoured her; He promised her, the deliverance of her requited love remained in the patience of her faith. As she tasted her tear, she knew He had taught her to feel and want again. She allowed the stillness to encompass her being in preparation for love.

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I Am God

I Am God
By: Mia L. Hazlett
8/18/10

You have bowed before me and I have heard your cry.
Wipe away your tears my child, for I am God.

The end is near and your blessings plenty.
Although your faith has wavered, your praise has not.
Wipe away your tears my child, for I am God.

Know that this is my time to prepare you,
So this is not a time to fold.
Wipe away your tears my child, for I am God.

Stand on the promises written in My Book.
For I can do things that you cannot.
Wipe away your tears my child, for I am God.

This battle is not yours, it is mine.
So step aside, because the devil’s traps are being removed.
Wipe away your tears my child, for I am God

I am the Beginning and the End.
I am the Lord of Lords.
I am the King of Kings.
I am the Ruler of all.

I made Heaven.
I made Earth.
I made Night.
I made Day.

So wipe away your tears my child, and be prepared.
Because you have bowed before me, and I am God.

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A Test of Faith

A Test of Faith
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/26/10

Finally I stood in the face of my destiny, their destiny, well okay, our destiny. Nothing could stop us now. I mean absolutely nothing. I guess when you are riding on faith the sky is the first step of many, rather than the limit. After that ride, I felt completely unstoppable. There was no way God was going to take me all the way across the country in a packed minivan with two kids, a cat, no air conditioning, and then leave me. Nope. He wasn’t going to do that to me. Because it was only God, who could have given me the strength to endure 1,958 miles of fear, sweat, and enough adrenaline to conquer both and still keep my faith.

The scary thing about faith was faith itself. I didn’t know the ending, I just expected a positive outcome, because I knew that’s what God promised me. And as my van crossed the Louisiana/Texas border, I felt delivered from my past two years of hell. I felt delivered from my marriage. I felt delivered from my job. I felt delivered from my enemies. I felt as though God was applauding my obedience and I was driving towards my blessings. And now I was stuck on Ephesians 3:20. What was this “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think?” I had gotten from Boston to Houston safely. That was my prayer and it was answered. I wanted to move to Texas and now we were there. Okay I guess I wanted a job and house to live in, but that really wasn’t “exceedingly abundantly above” what I had asked or thought.

So through 1,958 miles, God continued to test my faith through trials. With almost a month behind me with no job and the savings dwindling, I began to question my move. I began to ponder and think what if He would leave me now? What if this move was about me and not part of His plan for me? What if I had disobeyed and not obeyed? So from above, my Heavenly Father assured me, He wasn’t trying to have me dwell on Ephesians 3:20, but on James 1:3, “knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” I had to realize, God wanted me to wait on Him and move in His time, not mine.

I had noticed that through this journey of faith, God allowed more and more time to lapse between my knees hitting the floor and His deliverance. When I had first turned to Him to save me, sometimes not even an hour would pass. When He had me hooked, He allowed days, then weeks. I mean I had to remember, from the conception of this move to crossing the border, four months had passed. And now as He answered my consistent prayer for the past four years for rest, I had the audacity not to rest after only a month. For He knew I was the head of my family and provider. So as I continued to ask in angst for a job to provide for my family, He sent me an angle that calmed me with His word through Psalm 23, “I shall not want.” So with all angst aside, I waited on God, because I knew my cup was about to run over.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

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Conundrum (Part II)

Conundrum (Part II)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/23/10

I allowed the days to pass without sharing the news with my husband. Unfortunately at almost forty years-old he had not learned to have his own emotions. I had to look at how his mother felt towards me and that would pretty much dictate the person who walked through my door at the end of the day. So for now she wasn’t speaking to me or our daughters, luckily he was still speaking to our children.

He hadn’t returned any of my phone calls today, nor come home. I spent most of the night up with our two year-old daughter and finally just let her fall asleep in his spot. And in one of the moments that I watched her sleep, it hit me; I was about to raise these three children by myself. He wasn’t going to be here through this pregnancy. At that moment I knew I would never share my bed with my husband again. I had lost my husband to a woman that he was supposed to have left so he could cleave to me. I mean it’s in the Bible. They’re Christians. He was raised in the church and she claims to be involved in hers. So why were they not honoring the word of God?

I woke in the morning to the incessant chirping of my old alarm clock. My daughter slightly stirred, but settled back under the blanket. I rose with a sharp pain in my back and then it shot down my right leg. I stifled all movement and tried to turn so I could get back in the bed. Ouch! That was not about to happen. The pain was excruciating with even the slightest movement. I decided to call out to my husband in the hopes he was just downstairs on our couch after discovering our daughter in his spot.

By the time I had shouted his name the third time, my eight year-old came into the room. I conveyed the situation and before I could finish, she was swinging my legs onto the bed with the rest of me. As I was explaining, she simply pushed me back. My body was so rigid with pain I fell straight back. It’s amazing what children remember. She had to do the same thing when I was pregnant with her sister. And once again he was missing. I couldn’t do this to her again. I refused to allow her to take on his responsibilities. But as I tried to move, I cried out in pain.

Unfortunately, our oldest is well rehearsed in her father’s disappearance acts. She got her sister up and dressed and then herself. She prepared them cereal and made her lunch for school. In the meantime, I made a phone call to my girlfriend and their godmother, who came over and took them to school. As only a best friend could she promised her return, caretaking, and lecture. I guess you could say I fear God, my mother, and her. I guess her moreso than my mother because she knows everything.

I heard the door downstairs open and awaited her lecture. But to my surprise, my husband entered our bedroom dressed in the same clothes he left in yesterday. After inquiring about the kids whereabouts and why I was not at work, he got in the shower and then left. The one thing I was finding out about my crying for him, it wasn’t lasting so long and it didn’t hurt so much when he didn’t come home or left.

Not long after the tears subsided; the lecturer returned, rice cakes and sparkling water in hand. I really had to work on that with her. When we didn’t see each other for a while, she was never dieting. Now when I couldn’t move and needed comfort food, I crunched on salt flavored cardboard and sipped on fake soda. The lecture was redundant from his previous wrong doings. It all came down to, stay or leave. It’s my choice. To stay meant to accept who he was and that his mother came with the package. To leave meant I might lose her, but ultimately I was still tied to him through the kids.

I guess the one thing she did bring to my attention was the phrase, “actions speak louder than words”. She told me not to be fooled by those that can quote the Bible and go to church. Observe how they are living their so called Christian lives. Because ultimately their actions will speak louder than their words.

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1,958 Miles

1,958 Miles
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/20/10

To My Darling Daughters,

As of today my loves, we have spent a total of 26 solid days together, four of them traveling across the country. I must write to you and tell you both how much I love you. I’ve turned our lives upside down in the pursuit of the promised future I gave you both when you were each born.

I must start by telling you there are no two people that breath on this planet, that I could have spent four days, 1,958 miles with, in that un-airconditioned packed to the max van, while driving through our country’s hottest states. My darling Jazzy, the way you handled yourself when your sister spent the first two days carsick, brought tears to my eyes. Never a complaint uttered, you simply got the wipes and paper towels and cleaned your sister and took care of her comfort. You knew that pulling over was not an option since it was always when I was lost on the back roads of either Pennsylvania, West Virginia, or Virginia. And my baby Kaylee, you kept the love in the car the entire ride. When Mommy had us lost, hot, and hunting for food, bathrooms, gas, and hotels that allowed cats, your random “I love you Mommy”, reminded me why I was driving across the country.

The images I will always carry with me from that trip are, the opening of the hotel doors after unloading the last necessary bag from the car, to find you both standing in your bathing suits ready for the pool. You see after driving 8-10 hour days in a van with no A/C on maybe 6 hours of sleep; I was looking past the both of you to the bed. But because I promised swimming each night, off to the pool we went! I guess I will also remember bringing you to the pool the second night and Kaylee you threw up down the front of Mommy’s bathing suit. I had both of you crying in the elevator because we only had 15 minutes of pool time. I will always remember the look on that man’s face when the elevator doors opened and he hesitantly stepped on. I smiled and asked him what floor, as if the throw up came with the suit.

Know there were times of fear. Several times I thought for sure kitty wasn’t going to make it all the way to Houston. But by the divine grace of our Heavenly Father, she made it. Then there was our Monday drive, the scariest for me. I drove us from Virgina to Louisiana. My babies, I know I pushed you and I apologize. I gave us minimal breaks and my temper was short. Know that it was because I had pushed myself beyond my limits and by the time I actually started looking for hotels; I was physically and mentally exhausted. The hotels that I felt safe with, wouldn’t take cats and the ones that allowed pets, didn’t offer the sense of security I needed for us. And my darling Jazzy, by then you knew exactly what Mommy was looking for. You would tell me we were not staying at them before I could say anything. Understand by the time I saw the sign “New Orleans, 100 miles” I wanted to give up. I looked in my rear view and saw your faces and just called on the name of Jesus. I couldn’t even say a prayer at that point, but I know there is power in His name. I pushed through to New Orleans because I knew if I could just get us there and not find a hotel accepting of pets, your Auntie Jen would come and meet us. But like I said, there is power is His name, and He gave us the cushy Marriott 10 miles into New Orleans.

Knowing we were only six hours from our new start allowed us to really relax in New Orleans. Jazzy, your discipline amazes me. Each night we stopped at a hotel, it took me about three trips to unload the van. While I unloaded the van, you would hold school and you ensured you and Kaylee did your schoolwork. How blessed I am to have you.

I don’t know if you saw my tears when we saw the “Welcome to Texas” sign on that fourth day of driving, but know they were tears of joy. Tears of good-bye. Tears of a new start. Tears of we did it! Tears of we are blessed and highly favored. Tears of God promised, God confirmed, and God delivered us. My darling angels know that our God is an awesome God, because without Him we would not have arrived. We made it my beautiful young ladies. Welcome to Texas!

Love and God,

Mommy

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