Category Archives: motherhood

In My Head: Part IX

In My Head: Part IX
By: Mia L. Hazlett
2/20/15

“Mommy, why are you home today?” I asked my mom.

“What are you talking about? You know why I’m home. You’re sick,” she said and continued to type on her laptop.

“Thank you Mommy,” I said and began to cry.

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on with you?” she set her computer on the coffee table and came to me on the couch.

I didn’t know why I was crying, but I really loved my mom right now and a bunch of other stuff. She put her arms around me and my head fell into her chest as I wept. I couldn’t stop crying even if I wanted.

I guess it was because I hadn’t seen my dad for a long time now. Christmas was the last time he promised and then failed to see us. It was almost February vacation now. I would never see my dad again.

“Baby talk to me,” my mother smoothed my hair with her hand.

“I know Daddy doesn’t love us and want to see us anymore, but what happens if you don’t love us and want to see us anymore.

She lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, “As long as the good Lord above allows me to breathe, I am going to be with you. There is never going to come a time when I don’t want to see you. Never. Do you hear me?” she kissed my forehead a squeezed me in her arms.

“You’re not mad that you have to stay home with me today?”

“You are my God-given priority. No work. No nothing, will ever be more important than taking care of you when you’re sick. There will be times when I still have to work from home like now, but I’m not mad that I’m here with you now. Plus, I don’t want anyone else taking care of you when you’re sick,” she kissed my forehead.

“I don’t ever want anything to ever happen to you Mommy,” I said.

“God willing, nothing ever will. And baby?”

“Yes Mommy?”

“I know I’m busy, but if you ever want to spend time with me, all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to fake sick.”

My mother grabbed her laptop and walked to her desk. Before she sat down, she turned and winked at me. My mom was never going to get sick of us.

Copyright © 2015 Mia L. Hazlett

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Angie II

Angie II
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/4/14

I wake up and am mushed between the wall and my mother. I remember telling her everything. I cried to her about Chris not calling me. If anything, I can’t believe how lucky I really am. My mother didn’t yell at me. She didn’t shame me. She just held me and let me talk. She let me be scared. She let me hate Chris. But most importantly, she promised for the next week, we don’t have to tell my father.

Standing in front of my mirror the next morning, I turn to the side and look at my stomach. It’s still flat. I don’t know for how long, but I know ugly is coming soon. I saw this freshman girl at school one time and her stomach looked like someone had drawn little squiggly lines all over it and a giant one down the middle. If I get fat and ugly, Chris will never want me.

My mother told me we would handle him later, but the most important thing was a doctor’s appointment. She made one for today and she will pick me up after school. I can’t believe how cool my mom is being. I know she won’t last like this for long. Once she tells my dad, it will be over for me. But I need my mom right now. I felt really safe when I woke up with her in my bed. She told my dad I was sick and she wanted to stay close to me.

This cannot be happening. I look at the pick-up ring, which is where parents pull in to pick their kids up from school, and my mom and Chris’s mom are shouting at each other. Chris is in the passenger’s seat, slinking down trying not to be seen. I walk closer and hear my mother say “go fuck yourself,” before walking to the car and slamming the door.

I get in the car and I’m so embarrassed. I don’t say anything. I’m too scared. My mother just cussed my boyfriend’s mother out.

“Honey, I want you to know something. What you and Chris have done, is totally irresponsible. But both of you did it. Both of you. And people are going to say a lot of things because you’re young. But nobody gets to put you down and not hear my mouth. Now don’t get me wrong Angela, we are not friends. I am your mother and when I tell your father, the shit is gonna hit the fan. But baby, I will go to war and back for you. You are my God-given responsibility and I will protect you with my life. Now put your seat belt on.”

We drive off and I love and fear my mother at the same time.

Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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In My Head VIII

In My Head VIII
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/4/2014

Oh no.  It was almost time for Daddy to pick us up.  I didn’t want to go with him, but Mommy said it was only for tonight and she would come get us tomorrow.  She said it’s Christmas and it’s good to spend time with family.  I don’t want to be with Daddy.  He has a new family.  People can’t have a new family and an old family.

My friend,Tisha, said she never sees her dad now that he has a new family and a little baby brother.  She’s never even met her baby brother.  She didn’t even think he was a baby anymore.  Her mom and my mom are friends.  They are supposed to come over soon, but I will probably be with my stupid dad.

All of my cousins and aunts and uncles are here.  I came up to my room so I could pack my clothes.  My sister stood in her room looking out the window.  She already had her coat and hat on.  Mommy told her to take them off or she would be cold when she went outside, but she never listens.

I went back downstairs and started playing UNO with my cousins and uncle. My sister came into the living room like an hour later and she was crying.  Mommy was right behind her telling her it would be okay.  I could tell by what Mommy was saying, Daddy wasn’t coming.  She always tried to cheer us up and tell us we could go out for breakfast in the morning.  My sister would not hear it.  I bet she didn’t even want Daddy, she just wanted her presents.

I was happy.  I had just won three games of UNO and now I didn’t have to go see Daddy and his dumb family.  If he didn’t want to see us, I didn’t want to see him.  I felt bad for my sister.  She didn’t understand.  She was just a little baby.  She didn’t understand Daddy had a new family now.  Maybe his new family is like Tisha’s dad’s new family.  Maybe my dad has new kids.  Dads don’t need old kids when they have new kids.

Copyright © 2014  Mia L. Hazlett

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Angie

Angie
By Mia L. Hazlett
11/3/2014

This sucks. My life is over at fourteen. I’m gonna die. I’m so alone. I can’t talk to anyone. I lie on my bed holding my cell praying for him to call. He promised he would call. A quick vibration and “BFF” pops up on my iPhone along with a picture of Shayna.

“Girl,” I say, “He hasn’t called me. He came up to my locker after 4th and he said he was gonna call me after ball. I dun text him like ten damn times. Can’t nobody tell nobody they don’t have no time to text back. “

“Watchu doin’ now? Let’s roll down to his practice,” Shayna puts an idea in my head.

“I just gotta wait for my parents to get here, ‘cause I’m watchin’ Jordy. He gonna be outta practice by the time they get home,” I get the idea out of my head to roll up on him at his basketball practice.

“Well if he ain’t called by the time they get home, we gonna go knockin’ on his front door. He ain’t gettin’ outta this girl. If he thinks he is, the brotha dun lost his damn mind. He’s gotta know he can’t avoid us,” Shayna has always had my back.

“Girl what am I going to do?” I got my boyfriend out of my head and now it is just BFF to BFF.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell your parents. First you gotta see what Chris is gonna say, because you know your Daddy is gonna flip,” Shayna reminds me what else I am scared of.

“What if they kick me out? I mean they don’t even know I have a boyfriend. Shayna I’m so scared.” My voice cracks and the tears follow.

“Girl don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. They ain’t gonna kick you out. And even if they do, you can come over here. You know my mother would never let you be on the streets.”

Somehow, every time Shayna tells me not to cry, I cry harder. The downstairs door opens. My mother is home. Maybe there is time to catch him at practice.

“Girl I have to go set the table for dinner. My mom just got home.”

I hang up with Shayna and go to the bathroom to wash my face. If I don’t wash my face and get my puffy eyes to go away, I will end up telling my mother. The one thing I’ve always been able to do is talk to my mom. If my mother asks me anything, I’ll lose it and tell her. She can’t know yet.

I throw the cold water on my face and I’m not sure if it is the water on my face or me bending over, but whatever happened, I now stand over the toilet throwing up. Back to the sink. Too late. My mother is behind me rubbing my back as I rinse my mouth out.

I turn and face my mother, “What’s going on babygirl?” she asks.

“Mummee, I’m pregnant,” I crumble into tears in my mother’s arms.

She holds me tight to her chest and whispers into my ear, “I know baby. I already know.”

Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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In My Head VII

In My Head VII
By: Mia L. Hazlett
9/23/14

I didn’t know how long it had been since I Daddy, but I was still really mad at him. I think he was really mad at me too. He had only called once or maybe it was twice, but I didn’t want to talk to him ever again. Mommy wanted me to talk to him when he called, but she didn’t make me when I said no. I just wanted my mommy. Sometimes I still heard her cry in the shower. When she got out she told me she got soap in her eyes. Now I was mad that Daddy made Mommy cry.

Next week was Christmas. Daddy always took us to see Santa so we could tell him everything we wanted. Today Mommy took us. I didn’t know what I wanted. I used to always want Mommy and Daddy back together, but I didn’t want that anymore. Daddy just made us sad.

I listened to my sister tell Santa what she wanted. She went on and on about toys and everything she had seen on TV, but I watched Mommy. She didn’t look happy. She was never happy anymore. When Santa asked me what I wanted, I told him, I wanted my mommy to be happy. It didn’t have to be my daddy anymore, it just had to make her happy. He asked me what I thought would make my mommy happy, and I didn’t know. I didn’t know what would make Mommy happy.

Maybe Mommy wanted new boots. She always complained because the ones she had now had a hole in them. Every time she wore them, her feet got wet and cold. Or maybe Santa could pay all the bills for her. She always said she didn’t have enough money. I know she needed a new winter coat. She had been wearing the same one for forever and the inside had a big hole and some of the white stuffing stuff was falling out. Or maybe Santa would give me some money to take her to dinner or the movies. Whenever we went out to dinner, she would always say she wasn’t hungry and let me and my sister get whatever we wanted. I knew it was because we didn’t have enough money. I knew she was hungry.

By the time I finally said something, I just said, “Santa, tell God to get something for my mommy that will make her happy forever. That’s what I want for Christmas, my mommy to be happy forever.”

Santa said okay.

©Copyright 2014 – Mia L. Hazlett

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In My Head- V

In My Head – V
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/27/14

I sat in my Science class and wondered if I was ever going to see my Daddy again. I put my sparkly dress right in the trash.  I never wanted to wear it again.  He never came and Mommy tried to call him, but he didn’t answer.  Saturday would be here tomorrow and I really wanted to see him.  But if I asked him to come and then he didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to go to Sasha’s birthday party.  I had to go to her party, everyone from our class was going to be there.

I went to get into the bus line, but I saw Mommy waving to me from the parent pick-up line.  Mommy never picks me up.  This was the best day ever.  She always made it the best day ever.  I ran over to her and fell into the biggest hug.  She kissed my forehead and I grabbed her hand.  I sat in the back and told her all about my day.  She said after we got my sister we could go and get me a dress for the birthday party, maybe even new shoes too. I was so excited.

We got my sister and went shopping for my dress.  I got to get my new shoes too.  It was like it was my birthday and not Sasha’s, because after shopping we went to the pizza place up the street and we got to eat it there.  We were playing the license plate game on our way home and before we got to the driveway, I saw Daddy’s car.  “Daddy!”, my sister and I screamed.  This was the best day ever.

My mother walked straight into the house, when we climbed all over Daddy.  He kissed us and said he was sorry he couldn’t get here last week to pick us up.  Even though his phone looked exactly the same, he said he lost his phone and he had to buy a new one.  He must have taken my little heart sticker off his old phone and put it on the case for this one.

He came into the house, but I didn’t see Mommy.  Her door was closed, so she must be in her bedroom.  We sat in the living room and Daddy ate the last of the pizza we brought home.  I wish Mommy would come downstairs, but she stayed in her room.  Maybe she was mad at us for talking to Daddy.  I started to get scared because if Daddy left, Mommy would be mad at us.  I know she didn’t like Daddy anymore, but I didn’t know if we were supposed to not like him too.

Daddy left and I knocked on Mommy’s door.  I told her through the door that he left.  I waited for her to answer, and then I opened the door.  She was asleep on her bed and me and my sister crawled in the bed with her.  I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to be here, but I didn’t want Mommy mad at us.  I was just really happy to see Daddy.  Before I fell asleep, I promised I would never act happy to see Daddy in front of Mommy again.

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In My Head IV

In My Head IV
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/20/14

Oh no! I look at the clock and it is 12:30. What happened? Daddy must have come and thought we were asleep. I look and Mommy is sitting in her favorite chair. She smiles at me and tells me Daddy hasn’t come yet. I look over at the coffee table and see a grilled cheese sandwich and apples. It’s my favorite, but if I eat that, I won’t have room for my waffle. But I am really really hungry. I decide to eat just half of my sandwich. I refuse my apple juice with my pink swirly straw, because then I will be way too full.

Even though it’s my favorite show, I don’t even care. Every time a car goes by, I hope it is going to turn into the driveway. Even though it is too late for the movie, we could still go out to eat. I tried to keep my sister from eating all her lunch, but she did anyways. She is going to be sorry when she does not have room for all the pizza in the world.

I’ve called Daddy twice on his phone, but he didn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t bring his charger with him so his phone is dead. I hope something didn’t happen to him. Mommy says she’s sure he is fine. I don’t know how she knows, but she is making dinner for us now. I don’t want her stupid meatloaf. Daddy is taking us to get pizza. I told her to wait for another hour or call him again. Something must have happened to him. He would never just not call. He promised me he is coming today. Today is not over.

I take Mommy’s phone and the house phone and sit by window in one of the big kitchen chairs. It is almost completely dark and I can’t tell what color the cars are as they pass by the driveway. I hear the bathtub running, but I am not taking one. I don’t want to be in the tub when Daddy gets here, because maybe he can at least take us out for ice cream.

I hear Mommy read to my sister and she is reading our favorite story. She smiles at me as she sits on the floor next to my chair. I tell her I don’t want to go to bed yet. She let me call him one more time, but he didn’t answer again. I sit down in my Mommy’s lap and start crying. I remember doing that. Now I am laying in my bed in my pretty sparkly dress in the dark. Daddy never got to see my pretty sparkly dress and fancy hair. Daddy never came. I roll over and Mommy is right next to me. She hugs me and kisses my forehead.
Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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