Category Archives: motherhood

February 20, 2015 · 3:49 pm

In My Head: Part IX

In My Head: Part IX
By: Mia L. Hazlett
2/20/15

“Mommy, why are you home today?” I asked my mom.

“What are you talking about? You know why I’m home. You’re sick,” she said and continued to type on her laptop.

“Thank you Mommy,” I said and began to cry.

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on with you?” she set her computer on the coffee table and came to me on the couch.

I didn’t know why I was crying, but I really loved my mom right now and a bunch of other stuff. She put her arms around me and my head fell into her chest as I wept. I couldn’t stop crying even if I wanted.

I guess it was because I hadn’t seen my dad for a long time now. Christmas was the last time he promised and then failed to see us. It was almost February vacation now. I would never see my dad again.

“Baby talk to me,” my mother smoothed my hair with her hand.

“I know Daddy doesn’t love us and want to see us anymore, but what happens if you don’t love us and want to see us anymore.

She lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, “As long as the good Lord above allows me to breathe, I am going to be with you. There is never going to come a time when I don’t want to see you. Never. Do you hear me?” she kissed my forehead a squeezed me in her arms.

“You’re not mad that you have to stay home with me today?”

“You are my God-given priority. No work. No nothing, will ever be more important than taking care of you when you’re sick. There will be times when I still have to work from home like now, but I’m not mad that I’m here with you now. Plus, I don’t want anyone else taking care of you when you’re sick,” she kissed my forehead.

“I don’t ever want anything to ever happen to you Mommy,” I said.

“God willing, nothing ever will. And baby?”

“Yes Mommy?”

“I know I’m busy, but if you ever want to spend time with me, all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to fake sick.”

My mother grabbed her laptop and walked to her desk. Before she sat down, she turned and winked at me. My mom was never going to get sick of us.

Copyright © 2015 Mia L. Hazlett

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November 4, 2014 · 9:29 pm

Angie II

Angie II
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/4/14

I wake up and am mushed between the wall and my mother. I remember telling her everything. I cried to her about Chris not calling me. If anything, I can’t believe how lucky I really am. My mother didn’t yell at me. She didn’t shame me. She just held me and let me talk. She let me be scared. She let me hate Chris. But most importantly, she promised for the next week, we don’t have to tell my father.

Standing in front of my mirror the next morning, I turn to the side and look at my stomach. It’s still flat. I don’t know for how long, but I know ugly is coming soon. I saw this freshman girl at school one time and her stomach looked like someone had drawn little squiggly lines all over it and a giant one down the middle. If I get fat and ugly, Chris will never want me.

My mother told me we would handle him later, but the most important thing was a doctor’s appointment. She made one for today and she will pick me up after school. I can’t believe how cool my mom is being. I know she won’t last like this for long. Once she tells my dad, it will be over for me. But I need my mom right now. I felt really safe when I woke up with her in my bed. She told my dad I was sick and she wanted to stay close to me.

This cannot be happening. I look at the pick-up ring, which is where parents pull in to pick their kids up from school, and my mom and Chris’s mom are shouting at each other. Chris is in the passenger’s seat, slinking down trying not to be seen. I walk closer and hear my mother say “go fuck yourself,” before walking to the car and slamming the door.

I get in the car and I’m so embarrassed. I don’t say anything. I’m too scared. My mother just cussed my boyfriend’s mother out.

“Honey, I want you to know something. What you and Chris have done, is totally irresponsible. But both of you did it. Both of you. And people are going to say a lot of things because you’re young. But nobody gets to put you down and not hear my mouth. Now don’t get me wrong Angela, we are not friends. I am your mother and when I tell your father, the shit is gonna hit the fan. But baby, I will go to war and back for you. You are my God-given responsibility and I will protect you with my life. Now put your seat belt on.”

We drive off and I love and fear my mother at the same time.

Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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November 4, 2014 · 9:58 am

In My Head VIII

In My Head VIII
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/4/2014

Oh no.  It was almost time for Daddy to pick us up.  I didn’t want to go with him, but Mommy said it was only for tonight and she would come get us tomorrow.  She said it’s Christmas and it’s good to spend time with family.  I don’t want to be with Daddy.  He has a new family.  People can’t have a new family and an old family.

My friend,Tisha, said she never sees her dad now that he has a new family and a little baby brother.  She’s never even met her baby brother.  She didn’t even think he was a baby anymore.  Her mom and my mom are friends.  They are supposed to come over soon, but I will probably be with my stupid dad.

All of my cousins and aunts and uncles are here.  I came up to my room so I could pack my clothes.  My sister stood in her room looking out the window.  She already had her coat and hat on.  Mommy told her to take them off or she would be cold when she went outside, but she never listens.

I went back downstairs and started playing UNO with my cousins and uncle. My sister came into the living room like an hour later and she was crying.  Mommy was right behind her telling her it would be okay.  I could tell by what Mommy was saying, Daddy wasn’t coming.  She always tried to cheer us up and tell us we could go out for breakfast in the morning.  My sister would not hear it.  I bet she didn’t even want Daddy, she just wanted her presents.

I was happy.  I had just won three games of UNO and now I didn’t have to go see Daddy and his dumb family.  If he didn’t want to see us, I didn’t want to see him.  I felt bad for my sister.  She didn’t understand.  She was just a little baby.  She didn’t understand Daddy had a new family now.  Maybe his new family is like Tisha’s dad’s new family.  Maybe my dad has new kids.  Dads don’t need old kids when they have new kids.

Copyright © 2014  Mia L. Hazlett

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November 3, 2014 · 10:22 pm

Angie

Angie
By Mia L. Hazlett
11/3/2014

This sucks. My life is over at fourteen. I’m gonna die. I’m so alone. I can’t talk to anyone. I lie on my bed holding my cell praying for him to call. He promised he would call. A quick vibration and “BFF” pops up on my iPhone along with a picture of Shayna.

“Girl,” I say, “He hasn’t called me. He came up to my locker after 4th and he said he was gonna call me after ball. I dun text him like ten damn times. Can’t nobody tell nobody they don’t have no time to text back. “

“Watchu doin’ now? Let’s roll down to his practice,” Shayna puts an idea in my head.

“I just gotta wait for my parents to get here, ‘cause I’m watchin’ Jordy. He gonna be outta practice by the time they get home,” I get the idea out of my head to roll up on him at his basketball practice.

“Well if he ain’t called by the time they get home, we gonna go knockin’ on his front door. He ain’t gettin’ outta this girl. If he thinks he is, the brotha dun lost his damn mind. He’s gotta know he can’t avoid us,” Shayna has always had my back.

“Girl what am I going to do?” I got my boyfriend out of my head and now it is just BFF to BFF.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell your parents. First you gotta see what Chris is gonna say, because you know your Daddy is gonna flip,” Shayna reminds me what else I am scared of.

“What if they kick me out? I mean they don’t even know I have a boyfriend. Shayna I’m so scared.” My voice cracks and the tears follow.

“Girl don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. They ain’t gonna kick you out. And even if they do, you can come over here. You know my mother would never let you be on the streets.”

Somehow, every time Shayna tells me not to cry, I cry harder. The downstairs door opens. My mother is home. Maybe there is time to catch him at practice.

“Girl I have to go set the table for dinner. My mom just got home.”

I hang up with Shayna and go to the bathroom to wash my face. If I don’t wash my face and get my puffy eyes to go away, I will end up telling my mother. The one thing I’ve always been able to do is talk to my mom. If my mother asks me anything, I’ll lose it and tell her. She can’t know yet.

I throw the cold water on my face and I’m not sure if it is the water on my face or me bending over, but whatever happened, I now stand over the toilet throwing up. Back to the sink. Too late. My mother is behind me rubbing my back as I rinse my mouth out.

I turn and face my mother, “What’s going on babygirl?” she asks.

“Mummee, I’m pregnant,” I crumble into tears in my mother’s arms.

She holds me tight to her chest and whispers into my ear, “I know baby. I already know.”

Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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September 23, 2014 · 8:37 pm

In My Head VII

In My Head VII
By: Mia L. Hazlett
9/23/14

I didn’t know how long it had been since I Daddy, but I was still really mad at him. I think he was really mad at me too. He had only called once or maybe it was twice, but I didn’t want to talk to him ever again. Mommy wanted me to talk to him when he called, but she didn’t make me when I said no. I just wanted my mommy. Sometimes I still heard her cry in the shower. When she got out she told me she got soap in her eyes. Now I was mad that Daddy made Mommy cry.

Next week was Christmas. Daddy always took us to see Santa so we could tell him everything we wanted. Today Mommy took us. I didn’t know what I wanted. I used to always want Mommy and Daddy back together, but I didn’t want that anymore. Daddy just made us sad.

I listened to my sister tell Santa what she wanted. She went on and on about toys and everything she had seen on TV, but I watched Mommy. She didn’t look happy. She was never happy anymore. When Santa asked me what I wanted, I told him, I wanted my mommy to be happy. It didn’t have to be my daddy anymore, it just had to make her happy. He asked me what I thought would make my mommy happy, and I didn’t know. I didn’t know what would make Mommy happy.

Maybe Mommy wanted new boots. She always complained because the ones she had now had a hole in them. Every time she wore them, her feet got wet and cold. Or maybe Santa could pay all the bills for her. She always said she didn’t have enough money. I know she needed a new winter coat. She had been wearing the same one for forever and the inside had a big hole and some of the white stuffing stuff was falling out. Or maybe Santa would give me some money to take her to dinner or the movies. Whenever we went out to dinner, she would always say she wasn’t hungry and let me and my sister get whatever we wanted. I knew it was because we didn’t have enough money. I knew she was hungry.

By the time I finally said something, I just said, “Santa, tell God to get something for my mommy that will make her happy forever. That’s what I want for Christmas, my mommy to be happy forever.”

Santa said okay.

©Copyright 2014 – Mia L. Hazlett

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July 27, 2014 · 1:00 pm

In My Head- V

In My Head – V
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/27/14

I sat in my Science class and wondered if I was ever going to see my Daddy again. I put my sparkly dress right in the trash.  I never wanted to wear it again.  He never came and Mommy tried to call him, but he didn’t answer.  Saturday would be here tomorrow and I really wanted to see him.  But if I asked him to come and then he didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to go to Sasha’s birthday party.  I had to go to her party, everyone from our class was going to be there.

I went to get into the bus line, but I saw Mommy waving to me from the parent pick-up line.  Mommy never picks me up.  This was the best day ever.  She always made it the best day ever.  I ran over to her and fell into the biggest hug.  She kissed my forehead and I grabbed her hand.  I sat in the back and told her all about my day.  She said after we got my sister we could go and get me a dress for the birthday party, maybe even new shoes too. I was so excited.

We got my sister and went shopping for my dress.  I got to get my new shoes too.  It was like it was my birthday and not Sasha’s, because after shopping we went to the pizza place up the street and we got to eat it there.  We were playing the license plate game on our way home and before we got to the driveway, I saw Daddy’s car.  “Daddy!”, my sister and I screamed.  This was the best day ever.

My mother walked straight into the house, when we climbed all over Daddy.  He kissed us and said he was sorry he couldn’t get here last week to pick us up.  Even though his phone looked exactly the same, he said he lost his phone and he had to buy a new one.  He must have taken my little heart sticker off his old phone and put it on the case for this one.

He came into the house, but I didn’t see Mommy.  Her door was closed, so she must be in her bedroom.  We sat in the living room and Daddy ate the last of the pizza we brought home.  I wish Mommy would come downstairs, but she stayed in her room.  Maybe she was mad at us for talking to Daddy.  I started to get scared because if Daddy left, Mommy would be mad at us.  I know she didn’t like Daddy anymore, but I didn’t know if we were supposed to not like him too.

Daddy left and I knocked on Mommy’s door.  I told her through the door that he left.  I waited for her to answer, and then I opened the door.  She was asleep on her bed and me and my sister crawled in the bed with her.  I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to be here, but I didn’t want Mommy mad at us.  I was just really happy to see Daddy.  Before I fell asleep, I promised I would never act happy to see Daddy in front of Mommy again.

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July 23, 2014 · 12:00 pm

In My Head IV

In My Head IV
By: Mia L. Hazlett
7/20/14

Oh no! I look at the clock and it is 12:30. What happened? Daddy must have come and thought we were asleep. I look and Mommy is sitting in her favorite chair. She smiles at me and tells me Daddy hasn’t come yet. I look over at the coffee table and see a grilled cheese sandwich and apples. It’s my favorite, but if I eat that, I won’t have room for my waffle. But I am really really hungry. I decide to eat just half of my sandwich. I refuse my apple juice with my pink swirly straw, because then I will be way too full.

Even though it’s my favorite show, I don’t even care. Every time a car goes by, I hope it is going to turn into the driveway. Even though it is too late for the movie, we could still go out to eat. I tried to keep my sister from eating all her lunch, but she did anyways. She is going to be sorry when she does not have room for all the pizza in the world.

I’ve called Daddy twice on his phone, but he didn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t bring his charger with him so his phone is dead. I hope something didn’t happen to him. Mommy says she’s sure he is fine. I don’t know how she knows, but she is making dinner for us now. I don’t want her stupid meatloaf. Daddy is taking us to get pizza. I told her to wait for another hour or call him again. Something must have happened to him. He would never just not call. He promised me he is coming today. Today is not over.

I take Mommy’s phone and the house phone and sit by window in one of the big kitchen chairs. It is almost completely dark and I can’t tell what color the cars are as they pass by the driveway. I hear the bathtub running, but I am not taking one. I don’t want to be in the tub when Daddy gets here, because maybe he can at least take us out for ice cream.

I hear Mommy read to my sister and she is reading our favorite story. She smiles at me as she sits on the floor next to my chair. I tell her I don’t want to go to bed yet. She let me call him one more time, but he didn’t answer again. I sit down in my Mommy’s lap and start crying. I remember doing that. Now I am laying in my bed in my pretty sparkly dress in the dark. Daddy never got to see my pretty sparkly dress and fancy hair. Daddy never came. I roll over and Mommy is right next to me. She hugs me and kisses my forehead.
Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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July 19, 2014 · 10:00 pm

In My Head III

In My Head III
Mia L. Hazlett
7/19/14

This is going to be the best day of my whole entire life.  I don’t know when it was the last time I saw Daddy, but today we are going to spend the whole day together.  Well not just us, my sister is coming to.  I made sure last night Mommy braided my hair pretty.  I spent all last night trying to decide which dress to wear.  I decided to wear a sparkly pink dress he had bought me.  It was really hard to sleep last night, but now it is morning.

Mommy and my sister are still sleeping.  I’m not going to have breakfast because Daddy is going to take us to breakfast.  When we talked on the phone yesterday, he said I could do anything I wanted to all day.  I said I wanted to go out for breakfast.  Then I wanted to go to the movie with the girl I saw from my TV show.  Then we can go to the bookstore because I want to get a book in my book series. Then we could go to dinner before we came home.  I couldn’t even believe it.  He said yes to everything.  This was really going to be the best day.

When I go into my mother’s room, she is just waking up.  I already have my sparkles on and I found my matching headband with the sparkly bow.  Daddy is going to think I’m so pretty.  I ask Mommy to wake my sister up because Daddy is going to be here in an hour.  She needs to look just as pretty for him.

Mommy gets my sister ready and I turn the TV on.  The big window is behind the TV and I can see the driveway at the same time.  Daddy is going to be here in fifteen minutes.  I wish he was here right now because I am so hungry.  I love the place we go because they have the biggest waffles in the world and that is the only time Mommy lets me put whipped cream on them.  I’m going to ask for extra whipped cream today.

I already looked on my Mommy’s phone and the movie starts at 12:10.  We will have enough time to eat breakfast even if the restaurant is really crowded and we have to wait like we sometimes do.  Five more minutes before Daddy is here. I’m so excited.  Wait.  I’m going to go to the bathroom so I don’t have to once we are out.  Mommy isn’t going to be there to take us to the girls’ room so I need to go now.

I run out of the bathroom and I didn’t even wash my hands.  Sometimes I just run the water so Mommy thinks that I do.  When I look in the driveway, no one is there.  I thought I heard Daddy’s car.  My sister is watching her show on the couch and I sit next to her to wait for Daddy.  This is going to be the best day ever.
Copyright © 2014 Mia L. Hazlett

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April 15, 2013 · 3:09 pm

Conundrum XIII

By: Mia L. Hazlett
4/15/13

Our dinner last night was so special to me. They had all met up before, but I was always the one who couldn’t make it there. I’m so happy I didn’t miss last night. I needed that night out. I hate getting snippet pieces of information from over five or six different phone conversations with everyone. Sitting there last night and hearing what was going on in everyone’s life made me appreciate my circumstances…at least a little bit.

I guess it hurt me the most that I couldn’t share what was going on in my life. I had to wear this happy mask and make myself appear indestructible on the outside, when in reality my life had been shattered three weeks ago. Absolutely shattered to pieces!

The relationships Tasha and Dawn had with their mother-in-laws was the relationship, which existed between my mother and I. It always had been and most likely always will be. My mother was a housewife and my father was an attorney at a prestigious (I’ve always hated that word) firm in downtown Boston. What was prestigious? His title? His salary? His partners? Whatever it was, I never heard “firm” without “prestigious.”

Somehow, this prestige boosted my mother’s image of herself and how she thought others should perceive us. If there was a point of perfection that existed beyond perfection, than that was how my mother wanted to be perceived. I almost ruined that for our family at the tender age of 15. I was raped by our babysitter’s boyfriend.

I had one older brother and one younger. My parents and their prestige led them to vacation and leave us with one of my father’s fellow attorney’s niece to babysit us while they were away. She was twenty-something and would always have her friends and on this one occasion, boyfriend, over to the house.

Point is, he came into my room this one night, drunk. He raped me and I conceived a child. My mother never believed me and told me I was to never say anything about it. I was home-schooled and never left my house. Literally, I never left our property. The backyard to our pool was the only place outside I was allowed. A home-birth was arranged with papers and a social worker or adoption lady, whoever that lady was who took my daughter or son.

Life continued as normal, for my “prestigious” parents anyways. At least my brothers believed me. They found the guy. I don’t know what happened to him, but whatever it was, was relayed in a quick wink from my brother when I asked why his shirt had blood on it one night. That was the best wink I ever received in my life.

I really never imagined I would ever have to revisit that year in my life, until the letter I received 3 weeks ago. That social work lady took away my daughter that day. The same daughter, who hunted me down and now wanted to know why I had given her away. There was a 25 year-old person I never met, who lost her adoptive parents in the past 5 years and now wants answers from me.

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January 12, 2012 · 5:01 pm

In My Head

In My Head
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/12/12

This is just weird. Mommy never drives us to school. I can’t really tell, but I think she’s been crying. Her eyes are all red and stuff, but I don’t see any tears and she said she is fine. I think she mostly cries in the shower. I can kinda hear her even though the water is running. My little sister plays with her little toys as we pull up to her daycare. Mommy tells us to stay in the car as she goes and rings the doorbell. When the door opens, I can’t see my sister’s teacher, but I see Mommy talking and then she hugs whoever is behind the door.

We pull off and I wave to my sister. This is not the way we do it with Daddy. I get dropped off first then her. I don’t like this way. There’s no music. At least we usually have music. I want to tell her I know everything. I heard their fight last night even though they closed the door. I hate it when they fight. I don’t think Daddy came home last night and that is why she is driving us. But his car may have been in the garage and that is why I didn’t see it in the driveway.

I’m just gonna tell her I know everything. I’m gonna say I hear her cry in the shower. I’m gonna tell her when she and Daddy fight I don’t like it. And I will tell her that I don’t want them to get a divorce either. I’m gonna tell her I want every day to be like that vacation we took last year. When we went out to eat and took all the pictures and they never had one fight the whole time we were there. They even slept in the same bed and they kissed and held hands at the restaurant. That’s what I want every day to be like.

Once she stops the car I’m gonna tell her everything before I go into school.The car stops and Mommy gets out and comes to my side to open the door. She stoops down and gives me a big hug, “I love you honey.” I wipe away the tear from her eye, “I love you too Mommy.” She takes my hand and we walk up the front steps to school. I hope she couldn’t tell what I was thinking. I mean I know my mom cries, but I never see the tears. I guess I can wait ‘til later to tell her what I want. Because this is kinda nice too, holding hands with my mom as she walks me into school. She never does this. She only comes to my plays and stuff. I wish that every day could be like this too. So for now, I’ll just keep those other thoughts in my head.

© 2012 Mia L. Hazlett

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