Category Archives: humor

Conundrum XII

By: Mia L. Hazlett
4/14/13

There was nothing like spending time with my girlfriends.  Last night wasn’t enough.  I needed them right now, but I knew we all had our own lives to live.  I always thought my husband was my soul mate.  Really, he was almost my best friend.  We’d been together for 22 years and married for 18.  In our world, we were soul mates, but in my heart and mind, those four women I sat with last night truly knew my soul.

On a scale of 1-10 of being myself, with my husband I am at about 9 and my friends a 10.  I know I sound like a bitch, but I cannot completely be myself with my husband in only one relationship in my life.  He knows everything about work, my friends, my family.  But to keep the peace in my house, I have to watch what I say about his mother.  I couldn’t tell him that I wrestle with being Godly and saying fuck that bitch.  What? He would lose his damn mind.  It felt so nice saying it last night.  I was able to be myself and vent my frustrations to my soul mates.

Now I sat in my room on my lazy Sunday.  Once a month I got a vacation in my house from the other creatures that inhabited it.  I woke up at six, made myself a nice breakfast, and got my coffee.  I returned to breakfast in my bedroom and lounged out on my couch.  My six year-old attempted to interrupt, but my husband intervened.

I honestly think this is what has saved our marriage.  He chose to have one Saturday a month and I chose a Sunday.  We can use it to go out or stay in, either way we get time to ourselves.  Our bedroom became sacred territory.  No one was allowed to come in under any circumstances.  Unfortunately, our new guest felt the need to violate this rule.  She had been in here twice this morning.  “Are you going to stay in here all day baby?  You do have children you know.  I know when I had my kids, I just couldn’t get enough of them.  There was nothing so bad about them that would make me want to hide away on a couch all day.”

How did I put this before?  Fuck that bitch.  Amen.

© 2013 Mia L. Hazlett

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Conundrum XI

By: Mia L. Hazlett
4/14/13

I sat at the table with my four closest friends.  We hadn’t met like this in the longest.  No kids.  No one’s house.  We were four adults at a nice restaurant sipping on wine and not having to share our plates with anyone.  We all had our own lives going at full speed, that we would try and play catch up, but usually one of us was missing.  Not tonight, we were all here.

Although I had made it through my storm and all of us had shared in our own obstacles, our friend Tasha was at the beginning of her hard times.  Her mother-in-law just moved in with her and her husband of almost 20 years, and their three kids.  It wasn’t that they didn’t have the room or means to support her, it was this woman had done everything to persuade her son to leave Tasha over the past 20 years.  Well as Tasha had always said, “less move in with us.”

The bond that holds this friendship together and that many don’t understand, we are all Christians. Not those fake church on Sunday, talk about everybody, we are perfect in Christ type of Christians.  We are the type of Christians that have Satan on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Eighty percent of the time we live by the Word, but that other twenty percent, Lord help us all!

“I’m just caught between doing the Godly thing and saying fuck that bitch. She has made my life absolutely miserable for the past two decades and now when I am finally at the point in my career that I can telecommute three days a week, I gotta look at her ass.  C’mon now.”

“Trust me, I know what it is to have a mother-in-law from hell.  They suck.  We all know they suck.  But she’s losing it and it’s going to cost you more to put her in a home.  You know his brothers aren’t going to pitch in on the bill,” I chimed in.

“That’s what I’m sayin’.  I’m willing to pay more.  We can afford to pay for a place.  The only way we can pay, is if I’m working on those three days at home.  You know what I mean.  You know this woman thinks I only work 2 days a week and those other days I’m, ‘just spendin’ up her poor baby’s money.’”

“Well let’s look at this medically.  She’s in the early stages of dementia.  Maybe she’ll forget that she hates you and it will be like a new leaf with y’alls’ relationship,” Karla always knew how to add the comedy.

“I’ve thought about that.  But what if her hate for me has been so strong that I end up being the only one she remembers.  That is more my luck.”

We all laughed and made an ungodly toast for selective dementia.

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BFF II

BFF II
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/8/10

Yup. That was me. I was so full of ambition, but dumb as a brick. And I’m pretty sure with that last comment I’ve insulted bricks everywhere. I was eighteen and working my first real job. And boy was I in love with my boss, or so I thought it was love. It was a time in my life before heartache, hardening, and relationship cynicism existed. A time when if I felt it, I’d let you know…by email even.

So I honestly thought I was in love with my boss. I had worked up a magical love affair between us in my head and was sure he felt the same way. One night we stayed late at the office and he ordered us Chinese food. We worked on editing his presentation and he took off his tie and undid his top button. We shared about ourselves, families, life, (my age, how many siblings, and what I wanted to be when I grew up…he shared nothing personal about himself), and wrapped up the editing. He walked me to my car, waited until I was buckled in, and shut the door.

Now in my head at the time, or more so what I excitedly told my friend when I got home, we had just had our first date. He was cute. I was attractive. We just had dinner. He practically undressed in front of me. Even though we were working, he wanted to know everything about me. He walked me to my car and was such a gentleman, that instead of a kiss or hug, there was just a gentle touch to my shoulder as I slid into the driver’s seat.

Unfortunately, my friend was younger than I. She agreed and assisted me out of a job by helping me compose that dreadful email.

Dear Andrew,

Tonight was magical. I am such an idiot. I like totally forgot to thank you for dinner. You were nice enough to order my favorite fried rice and I can’t believe I like didn’t say thank you. I wanted you to take off so much more than your tie, but you showed what a mature guy you were. I’m not used to boys being so polite and nice to me. That was sooooo romantic how you walked me to my car and opened and closed the door for me. I’ll see you in my dreams tonight when I’m asleep in my lonely bed.

xoxoxxoxoxo and more if you want it,

Becky

Now at thirty-five, I can laugh. Laugh really hard. I’ve saved that email along with my termination letter and at least once a year, my stupid friend, Kay, sends it to me verbatim. Sometimes it’s an email. Sometimes it’s a letter. And every time there is some random picture of a Siamese cat, because I did go to the CAT birthday party. But every time I read it, I laugh myself out of breath. We both laugh, because she too felt like she got fired that day.

I called her from my desk as I was collecting my belongings. I was a complete mess and couldn’t even think straight. Now I wasn’t exactly packing a “box”, because I just had pictures of me and Kay on my cork board and a blue rubber stress ball. The whole time I tried to put my jacket on, the stupid ball kept falling and rolling around. But I was so determined to take it with me because they weren’t going to get my ball. That ball added an extra fifteen minutes to my departure, but to this day I have it.

Kay was already waiting in my bedroom when I got home. I can’t tell you how many times we read that email trying to figure out what was wrong with it, but I will tell you she had to stay over that night. We held back on going to the mall and pondered my dilemma throughout the weekend. My dilemma was not so much that I had gotten fired, but it was my father’s friend who helped me get the job. This was going to be my college job. I could work there full-time during the summer and part-time during the school year.

But because we were so naive about corporate policy back then, we finally brought the email to my father and mother. Yes we did. We thought I had a case against them. We were going to sue them and get like a million dollars. Then we were going to buy houses next door to each other and have matching cars. That’s the thing about best friends, they can make you believe anything when you are both mad about the same thing. So off to my parents we went. I don’t know if my mother stopped my father from jumping over the coffee table to kill me, or if she was just trying to beat me first; but luckily I only received a slap upside my head. And that’s the thing about your best friend being like your sister, she got a slap too. We both decided my parents weren’t going to receive any portion of my settlement.

So seventeen years later and twenty-eight years into our friendship, Kay is still my best friend. The significance of that email, Mr. Andrew Anderson, is Kay’s father-in-law. The rumors were exactly that, rumors. He was happily married with not a daughter older than me, but a son, Sean, two years younger than me and a year older than Kay. They met two months after my termination. We didn’t know the relation until almost a year later, at Sean’s graduation party. I was clever enough in my avoidance, to not see his father again until the wedding. I wasn’t able to laugh at my immaturity yet, so leave it to Kay to read the email at her rehearsal dinner in her best set of cat ears. I was the only one not in hysterics.

But that is just a sliver of our friendship.

(To be continued)

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BFF

BFF
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/8/10

I am in love. That’s right, love. I swear since I finally realized what this weird feeling is every time I see him…or just think about him, I can’t concentrate on anything. But the thing about my feeling, thoughts, all this junk inside me, he doesn’t know about it. I’ve thought about telling him to his face, but I just don’t think it would be all that appropriate. He’ll get the email.

I arrive at work and do my best to keep my focus. The thing about love is, when it takes you over, everyone notices. My colleagues have commented on how happy I’ve been. I guess they can see how in love I am without even telling them. They just notice any little change in your attitude, whether it be negative or in my case, positive.

Everyone I saw got a hi with an unexpected over-interest in how they were. I even stopped and listened to the over-sharers. I’ve never cared about Karen’s Siamese cat. In fact I’ve found their relationship a bit insane. But not today. Nope. I will be attending her birthday party this weekend. Only love could make me say yes to an invitation like that. What else could make me say I would wear my best cat ears? Who has good cat ears?

I type away at my keyboard, and all movement ceases as I see him enter the building. His statuesque frame draped in his black trench coat commands attention. I cannot take my eyes off of his graceful stride as he glides towards me. I blink out of my trance, but fail to take back up my typing. He nods in my general direction as he passes my office and heart.

“Hey dream girl are you in there?” my friend Amy snaps me out of my love trance.

“What? Huh?” I quickly return to my typing.

“Don’t ‘what huh’ me? You can’t go there. He is your boss. End of story. That’s how it ends. You wanted to know, that’s it right there. You can’t date your boss. It never ends happy. And it does end you know?”

“Tell me what you want or go away. I am not even looking at him like that. Although, I do wish he would stop looking at me like that.

Riiight. Whatever. Why did I just hear Karen say that you are going to her cat’s birthday party this weekend? Are you insane?”

“It’s not for her cat. It’s a cat theme, silly. Who has a birthday party for their cat?”

“Um, that would be Karen. Yes, it’s very much cat themed because it’s for her cat. But you have fun. You need to keep your head out of the clouds and off of Mr. Bossguy. Look at what this daydreaming has done to you. You are attending a party for felines. So not cool.”

“Look, I’m not about anyone that works here. And it’s not a party for her cat. Okay? Let me get back to my memo please.”

“Okay, okay. I’m leaving meow, I mean now,” she laughs and leaves my office.

Okay so “The One” is my boss. And it may not be love, but quite possibly a little crush. He is fifteen years my senior, which makes him five years younger than my father. A little weird yes, but that just means they would have things in common. My father would have to like him. And the rumor is he is divorced and possibly has a daughter that could be older than me, but again, it’s a rumor.

Rebecca? Are you ready for our meeting?” Mr. Anderson breezes past my office.

I catch up to him as he enters the small conference room. We enter and I am seated across from my future husband. We are going to have gorgeous kids. He should be so happy that I don’t care my stepdaughter is going to be older than me. He must have gotten the email that I sent him by now. This must be what this emergency “meeting” is all about. And on company time to boot. That’s what I love about him, he doesn’t care about breaking the rules. This is definitely not a crush. I’m in love with him.

Freakin‘ Nancy! Our Human Resources director walks in on us. What the hell could she possibly want? Why is she sitting down? He didn’t say anything about her being here with us. An uncomfortable feeling enters my stomach and it’s not that love feeling either.

“Well let’s get started shall we?” Nancy proceeds.
“Um, okay, I think,” I say. “What’s this all about?” I asked confused by her presence. She hands both of us a piece of paper.

I look down and scan over my very personal email to my lover. How the hell did she get it? Oh my gosh, it never occurred to me that he could be involved with Nancy. This is so embarrassing. But I can’t help but respect him. He wanted to tell her he is leaving her for me with all three of us present. He is so worth a cat birthday party.

Rebecca, obviously you know what you are reading because you are the author. We’ve brought you in here for this meeting to terminate your employment. This email violates our policy on sexual harassment and the suggestions in your email has created an extremely hostile work place for Mr. Anderson….”

(To be continued)

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