Category Archives: Rushed

Rushed: Part III
By: Mia L. Hazlett
3/4/08

My girlfriends offer me comfort like only girlfriends know how. I know they are holding back and allowing me to let everything sink in. I look around at their faces and this moment is so surreal. I watch my friends talk and laugh, but I don’t hear anything that they are saying. The only thing that echoes through my head is his wife’s words, “Don’t call here again, we are happily married and about to have our fourth child. He told me all about you and you are not going to wreck my happy home.” She hung up on me and that was four days ago. Since then, his cell phone and “home” have been disconnected. I never knew where he worked or lived for that matter. I’ve fucked up. I’ve really fucked up.

The coulda, woulda, shouldas run through my head. I coulda gotten to know him a little better before I slept with him, not family tree get to know you, but last name, where do you work, type get to know you. I shoulda used protection and I wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. And if I had known he was happily married to his pregnant wife, I woulda never gotten involved with him in the first place. But how was I supposed to know all of this. I mean if he was cheating on his wife, than he is the liar that deceived me. Isn’t the goal of a liar to get you to believe them? Why would I have reason to doubt what he was telling me?

Well coulda, woulda, shouldas won’t get me through this pregnancy and raise this baby. I have to deal with the here and now and the reality of this situation. And the reality is; I got played by a liar that I can’t track down. He might as well been a one night stand. I mean that would even make more sense than the situation at hand. So I am snapped back into reality when faced with the question by my friend, “What are you going to do?”

I can’t even answer her because this is not how it worked in my fairytale book. This drama is for the television talk shows. The shows that are geared to be pure entertainment for people like me, because I would never allow myself to be one of “those” people. “Those” people don’t care about their self-image. “They” are common trash that deserve what they get. Right? Wrong. Not only am I one of “those” people, but I am the dirty pregnant mistress that has wrecked the home. I am the one they are going to surprise, when the secret guest is the happy pregnant wife. I am the one the audience is going to boo. They won’t have any pity for me…and really, should they?

What am I going to do? I have $133.00 to my name. Maybe some more in change, but one thirty-five would be stretching it. Only one of my six credit cards isn’t maxed out, which leaves me with debt of over twenty thousand. I don’t qualify for any sort of state subsidies with my thirty-one thousand a year. And with all these pity-party calculations, I only have myself to blame. I remember hearing one of my girlfriends tell her sister “Don’t have this baby if you can’t support it all by yourself. Ask yourself, if that man leaves you, can you still support this child?” I thought my friend was so mean for doubting the commitment of her now brother-in-law. But now I understand her reasoning. And had she asked me the same question, I would answer no. I can’t support this child all by myself. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. But I have to.

(to be continued)

Rushed: Part II
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/16/08

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. I can wait for our future to begin, or at least this could slow down by like….oh I don’t know. This is all happening to fast. This is not what I intended to happen at all. I mean not like this. Why did this have to happen? He’s still married. We’ve only been together for a little over a month now. My friends haven’t even met him. What will my parents say? What will he say? I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant.

I can’t call my friends. They won’t understand. They are not happy he is still married. I was just so sure that he would be my husband by the time I had to make this announcement. But now my fairy tale has come to an abrupt end, and I’ve been thrust into this nightmare. I’ve prayed for the past ten years to have a baby and a man, but since I have failed at both for the past six years, I just assumed I wasn’t able to have children. I mean no doctor ever told me I couldn’t have kids, but I just assumed. And now this…this baby growing inside me. This child…my child. I’m not ready. Why couldn’t God have waited until I was ready?

How am I going to tell him? How do I let him know that we are about to have a baby? I mean that wicked witch has been putting him through hell about him not seeing the kids, so he has had to stay over there for the past two weekends. His three year-old is not handling this well at all, so they are trying to make it easy on him. I really should wait until he gets here, but I can’t keep this news bottled up inside of me. I want to tell my girlfriends, but I am not ready for the judgments just yet. Well here goes, let me just get this over with and call him. He should be on his way home anyways. We always talk when he gets stuck in the horrendous rush-hour traffic.

I panic as the phone rings…rings…rings…rings. Finally he answers. I lay the news out as gently as possible. I even sound excited, and I don’t think I’m faking. I didn’t catch what he said before we got disconnected, but I’m having a very uneasy feeling about all of this. It’s been over three hours since then, and his phone is going straight to voicemail. His phone must have died. He will call me once it’s charged. I settle in for the night in front of my television and contemplate using a number I found in his phone one night. It said “home”, and it wouldn’t be so horrible for me to call his house, since he has already told his wife and children about us. By the end of next month his divorce will be final. He told me his wife is dating too, so it shouldn’t be a shock for her if I call.

Everything in me is telling me not to make this call, but there is something else telling me I need to make this call…God, intuition…I don’t know, but here it goes. Okay, for the sake of my feelings I shouldn’t have made the call. But I think it was God and intuition that knew I had to hear what I just found out. I’m so alone right now. So alone.

(to be continued)

Rushed: Part I
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/7/07

Our relationship started with a brief introduction by our mutual friend. My mouth barely turned its corners. His hand gave a weak wave. We walk away. Time passes. A movie reunites us again. With the brush of our shoulders, a connection is made. That look of recognition crosses both of our faces. It’s a full smile I give this time and add a flirtatious giggle. He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek. My girlfriend walks on to the car and I don’t notice him in the company of anyone. He shares a quick joke at the expense of the only commonality between us, our friend. Butterflies flutter in my stomach as he searches for a pen and piece of paper. As if I should be so desperate to receive a phone call, I share my home, cell and work numbers. And from there, forever began.

Days pass and I wonder when or if he will call. There is no possible way he cannot reach me…wait…I should have given him my e-mail. That is the way these days, isn’t it? Well in the interim old can’t be bad, I mean it is familiar. I call my ex and flirt the best I know how. He reads through my effort and tells me he is on his way over. Amen….no batteries tonight. As he leaves I am upset that the batteries didn’t win. I expect my bed to be empty once they have served their purpose. Why did he have to rush home to her? He always spent the night with her when we were together. Pregnant or not, he was my man first.

I reach for my phone at work and don’t recognize the deep smooth tone on the other end. I am ecstatic that he has finally called me. I don’t care what I have to do; I am not going to mess this relationship up. Ahead of myself from a simple little phone call…yeah, maybe. But I can just tell that he is The One. Wait till I tell my girls, they are not going to roll their eyes at this guy. Nope, he is a keeper. I fly home and make four different phone calls with the same story. All my friends sound doubtful, but I won’t let them steal my joy. I’ll prove to them how right he is for me. I know I am only taking this off of one phone call, but sometimes you just know when you’ve met the right one for you…I have never felt this way before. Well at least not lately.

I finish applying my lipstick and take one last look at myself in the mirror. Damn I clean up nice! I squirt a freshening spray of perfume and walk into my living room. I ease into my couch so as not to wrinkle my anywhere black mini dress. My cleavage glistens from my lavender shimmering body lotion. That’s right, I am on fire tonight. I can’t believe it’s me waiting for him; usually I am slipping into my dress as they arrive. Concern sets when I think that he could be lost. And I never even thought to ask him for his number after we made the date. How could I be going out with this man and not have a way to contact him? I bet he is lost. He’s already twenty minutes late. Or what if he forgot? He hasn’t called me in two days. What if he thinks its tomorrow night? Wait…is it tomorrow night and not tonight? Maybe I have the days confused. I could have sworn he said Friday. I need to calm down and just wait. If it gets to be an hour, than it is definitely tomorrow and not tonight.

I startle awake as I almost roll of my couch. The coffee table stables me as I gather my senses. My vision comes in tact and I catch a glimpse of my living room clock and it is going on midnight. I check the caller ID on both my house and cell phone…no calls. How could I get the nights confused? I was all dressed up with no place to go, but now I’m all wrinkled and disheveled. I throw my dress over the back of my chaise in the bedroom and crawl into bed. I feel so ridiculous. I have talked this night up over the past two days to my friends and told them not to call me after seven, because I would be on my hot date. I could dodge them for a day and wait to talk to everyone until Sunday morning. That way I will be able to treat tomorrow night’s date like tonight’s date and they won’t even have to know I screwed the nights up.

No sooner am I asleep, than my phone rings. I fumble with the phone without checking caller ID and hear that sweet voice as I groan out a hello. I muster up as much pride as I can when I hang up the receiver and realize I was stood up. There was no emergency, he didn’t get lost; he fell asleep and woke up a few minutes before the phone call. Sleep doesn’t come easy for the rest of the night. I didn’t have a chance to get his phone number, and notice he is a private caller on my ID. I’m short on tears as I dodge my friends’ calls the next day. We never rescheduled for another date at 2:30 this morning. So I guess that leaves me waiting for another phone call with Mr. Mysterious. I am tempted to call my ex and ask him to come over, but rejection is just not something I can handle right now if he says no. I opt for a bag of chips and a lazy Saturday afternoon cable movie.

I come out of my pity party and call me friends. They tell me not to worry about it. It’s not as though it has been anything more than a few phone conversations. I wear the smile they put on my face throughout the following week. I’ve done a pretty good job with forgetting about The One until….ring. Another date made and here I stand in front of my mirror again with the lipstick and perfume, complimenting myself. The one difference this time, I have his cell phone number. No falling asleep for him. I’m perfectly coiffed, sparkling in all the right places, and ready for my night. After ten minutes on the couch, my anxiety leaves as the doorbell rings. With our first date, forever begins.

Happy, content, fulfilled, whatever word you want to use, that’s how I feel. Four weeks in with my Mr. Right and nothing can take me off my cloud nine. I can actually say the word love this early on. I mean he is just so upfront and honest about everything. I know exactly who I am dealing with and don’t have to spend months falling in love to turn around and have a bombshell dropped on me. I mean long and short he is in the midst of separating from his wife of fifteen years. They have an eighteen year-old son, twin twelve year-old daughters, and a three year-old son. He is just sticking around for the kids right now, but he has already filed the separation papers. My girls are not overjoyed by the situation, but he told me his soon-to-be-ex, is the devil herself. And from the stories, I can see why he is leaving her. I mean if he wants to come home and have dinner on the table waiting, I don’t see a problem with that. She is a stay at home chick; that is her job. But the point is; I know this already. He has been completely forthcoming.

I am going to give him the world once we get a place together. He says once he moves out we will get a bigger place, probably buy a house. We’ve already discussed everything, and I already know I have to put everything in my name because his wife is such a gold-digger. We would lose everything to her…not a chance. She had her chance and lost; now it’s my turn and time to shine. I just wish things would move along more quickly. I am ready for his past to end and for our future to begin.

(to be continued)