January 13, 2011 · 3:39 pm

Conundrum (Part VI)

Conundrum (Part VI)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/13/11

The test of strength forced itself upon my shoulders. My inner conflict of not wanting him in my life, battled the need of wanting to hold his hand as the contractions rippled their stifling pain to every delicate nerve in my body. But for each brief set of minutes that my body was given reprieve from the brutal attacks, I hated myself for thinking about him at a time that had nothing to do with him. So I had to force myself to focus on the voice of the nurse and not on the thoughts of abandonment.

That is what he had done to us. He had abandoned us. There were no more phone calls. The visits with our daughters had ceased . He had even gone so far as changing his phone number. Luckily I had made us a family before he left, so his disappearance was not surprising. Disappointing, yes. Surprising, no. I hate to say that it bordered relief, but I had released his failures to God, and kept it moving. I had no choice but to stand strong and guide my daughters through the loss of their father.

I tossed from side to side and when I opened my eyes, God took over. All thoughts of him left me as I tuned into my surroundings and felt my friend holding my hand and telling me how soon this would all be over. My oldest sat across the room on a loveseat and held her sister’s hand. Her anxious eyes never left me, and offered me more comfort than his hand ever could.

At the first cry of my new daughter, my past eight months no longer mattered. God had given me a new start and I wasn’t going to give a second thought to my past. Their future depended on me staying in the present. I cradled my new joy, with her sisters’ welcome crowding. As we crammed in the small mechanical bed, I made their sister the same promise I had made them when they were born; I was going to give her the world.

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Filed under blessings, children, Christian, Conundrum, daughters, family, fiction, God, love, parents, pregnancy, sisterhood

January 4, 2011 · 10:28 pm

Patience

Patience
By: Mia L. Hazlett
1/4/11

I remain still and allow You to shape me into who I will become.
For it is from Your hands that perfection is made.
With an anxious faith, I patiently wait.

Your angels bestow favor upon me.
And with nothing to call my own, I reach to You.
You set aside my pride and mold me into humbleness.

You assure me my sacrifice will carry for generations,
For legacies cannot be built on sand.
You commend my transformation as it outlines an impenetrable foundation.

I remain encompassed in Your strength and allow my life to bend at Your will.
For it is from Your hands that I will delivered.
With prayerful praise, I paitently wait.

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December 8, 2010 · 5:50 pm

BFF II

BFF II
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/8/10

Yup. That was me. I was so full of ambition, but dumb as a brick. And I’m pretty sure with that last comment I’ve insulted bricks everywhere. I was eighteen and working my first real job. And boy was I in love with my boss, or so I thought it was love. It was a time in my life before heartache, hardening, and relationship cynicism existed. A time when if I felt it, I’d let you know…by email even.

So I honestly thought I was in love with my boss. I had worked up a magical love affair between us in my head and was sure he felt the same way. One night we stayed late at the office and he ordered us Chinese food. We worked on editing his presentation and he took off his tie and undid his top button. We shared about ourselves, families, life, (my age, how many siblings, and what I wanted to be when I grew up…he shared nothing personal about himself), and wrapped up the editing. He walked me to my car, waited until I was buckled in, and shut the door.

Now in my head at the time, or more so what I excitedly told my friend when I got home, we had just had our first date. He was cute. I was attractive. We just had dinner. He practically undressed in front of me. Even though we were working, he wanted to know everything about me. He walked me to my car and was such a gentleman, that instead of a kiss or hug, there was just a gentle touch to my shoulder as I slid into the driver’s seat.

Unfortunately, my friend was younger than I. She agreed and assisted me out of a job by helping me compose that dreadful email.

Dear Andrew,

Tonight was magical. I am such an idiot. I like totally forgot to thank you for dinner. You were nice enough to order my favorite fried rice and I can’t believe I like didn’t say thank you. I wanted you to take off so much more than your tie, but you showed what a mature guy you were. I’m not used to boys being so polite and nice to me. That was sooooo romantic how you walked me to my car and opened and closed the door for me. I’ll see you in my dreams tonight when I’m asleep in my lonely bed.

xoxoxxoxoxo and more if you want it,

Becky

Now at thirty-five, I can laugh. Laugh really hard. I’ve saved that email along with my termination letter and at least once a year, my stupid friend, Kay, sends it to me verbatim. Sometimes it’s an email. Sometimes it’s a letter. And every time there is some random picture of a Siamese cat, because I did go to the CAT birthday party. But every time I read it, I laugh myself out of breath. We both laugh, because she too felt like she got fired that day.

I called her from my desk as I was collecting my belongings. I was a complete mess and couldn’t even think straight. Now I wasn’t exactly packing a “box”, because I just had pictures of me and Kay on my cork board and a blue rubber stress ball. The whole time I tried to put my jacket on, the stupid ball kept falling and rolling around. But I was so determined to take it with me because they weren’t going to get my ball. That ball added an extra fifteen minutes to my departure, but to this day I have it.

Kay was already waiting in my bedroom when I got home. I can’t tell you how many times we read that email trying to figure out what was wrong with it, but I will tell you she had to stay over that night. We held back on going to the mall and pondered my dilemma throughout the weekend. My dilemma was not so much that I had gotten fired, but it was my father’s friend who helped me get the job. This was going to be my college job. I could work there full-time during the summer and part-time during the school year.

But because we were so naive about corporate policy back then, we finally brought the email to my father and mother. Yes we did. We thought I had a case against them. We were going to sue them and get like a million dollars. Then we were going to buy houses next door to each other and have matching cars. That’s the thing about best friends, they can make you believe anything when you are both mad about the same thing. So off to my parents we went. I don’t know if my mother stopped my father from jumping over the coffee table to kill me, or if she was just trying to beat me first; but luckily I only received a slap upside my head. And that’s the thing about your best friend being like your sister, she got a slap too. We both decided my parents weren’t going to receive any portion of my settlement.

So seventeen years later and twenty-eight years into our friendship, Kay is still my best friend. The significance of that email, Mr. Andrew Anderson, is Kay’s father-in-law. The rumors were exactly that, rumors. He was happily married with not a daughter older than me, but a son, Sean, two years younger than me and a year older than Kay. They met two months after my termination. We didn’t know the relation until almost a year later, at Sean’s graduation party. I was clever enough in my avoidance, to not see his father again until the wedding. I wasn’t able to laugh at my immaturity yet, so leave it to Kay to read the email at her rehearsal dinner in her best set of cat ears. I was the only one not in hysterics.

But that is just a sliver of our friendship.

(To be continued)

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December 8, 2010 · 5:40 pm

BFF

BFF
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/8/10

I am in love. That’s right, love. I swear since I finally realized what this weird feeling is every time I see him…or just think about him, I can’t concentrate on anything. But the thing about my feeling, thoughts, all this junk inside me, he doesn’t know about it. I’ve thought about telling him to his face, but I just don’t think it would be all that appropriate. He’ll get the email.

I arrive at work and do my best to keep my focus. The thing about love is, when it takes you over, everyone notices. My colleagues have commented on how happy I’ve been. I guess they can see how in love I am without even telling them. They just notice any little change in your attitude, whether it be negative or in my case, positive.

Everyone I saw got a hi with an unexpected over-interest in how they were. I even stopped and listened to the over-sharers. I’ve never cared about Karen’s Siamese cat. In fact I’ve found their relationship a bit insane. But not today. Nope. I will be attending her birthday party this weekend. Only love could make me say yes to an invitation like that. What else could make me say I would wear my best cat ears? Who has good cat ears?

I type away at my keyboard, and all movement ceases as I see him enter the building. His statuesque frame draped in his black trench coat commands attention. I cannot take my eyes off of his graceful stride as he glides towards me. I blink out of my trance, but fail to take back up my typing. He nods in my general direction as he passes my office and heart.

“Hey dream girl are you in there?” my friend Amy snaps me out of my love trance.

“What? Huh?” I quickly return to my typing.

“Don’t ‘what huh’ me? You can’t go there. He is your boss. End of story. That’s how it ends. You wanted to know, that’s it right there. You can’t date your boss. It never ends happy. And it does end you know?”

“Tell me what you want or go away. I am not even looking at him like that. Although, I do wish he would stop looking at me like that.

“Riiight. Whatever. Why did I just hear Karen say that you are going to her cat’s birthday party this weekend? Are you insane?”

“It’s not for her cat. It’s a cat theme, silly. Who has a birthday party for their cat?”

“Um, that would be Karen. Yes, it’s very much cat themed because it’s for her cat. But you have fun. You need to keep your head out of the clouds and off of Mr. Bossguy. Look at what this daydreaming has done to you. You are attending a party for felines. So not cool.”

“Look, I’m not about anyone that works here. And it’s not a party for her cat. Okay? Let me get back to my memo please.”

“Okay, okay. I’m leaving meow, I mean now,” she laughs and leaves my office.

Okay so “The One” is my boss. And it may not be love, but quite possibly a little crush. He is fifteen years my senior, which makes him five years younger than my father. A little weird yes, but that just means they would have things in common. My father would have to like him. And the rumor is he is divorced and possibly has a daughter that could be older than me, but again, it’s a rumor.

“Rebecca? Are you ready for our meeting?” Mr. Anderson breezes past my office.

I catch up to him as he enters the small conference room. We enter and I am seated across from my future husband. We are going to have gorgeous kids. He should be so happy that I don’t care my stepdaughter is going to be older than me. He must have gotten the email that I sent him by now. This must be what this emergency “meeting” is all about. And on company time to boot. That’s what I love about him, he doesn’t care about breaking the rules. This is definitely not a crush. I’m in love with him.

Freakin‘ Nancy! Our Human Resources director walks in on us. What the hell could she possibly want? Why is she sitting down? He didn’t say anything about her being here with us. An uncomfortable feeling enters my stomach and it’s not that love feeling either.

“Well let’s get started shall we?” Nancy proceeds.
“Um, okay, I think,” I say. “What’s this all about?” I asked confused by her presence. She hands both of us a piece of paper.

I look down and scan over my very personal email to my lover. How the hell did she get it? Oh my gosh, it never occurred to me that he could be involved with Nancy. This is so embarrassing. But I can’t help but respect him. He wanted to tell her he is leaving her for me with all three of us present. He is so worth a cat birthday party.

“Rebecca, obviously you know what you are reading because you are the author. We’ve brought you in here for this meeting to terminate your employment. This email violates our policy on sexual harassment and the suggestions in your email has created an extremely hostile work place for Mr. Anderson….”

(To be continued)

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November 24, 2010 · 2:48 am

50/50

50/50
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/22/10

What was it? The worst day of your life. What was the worst day of your life? My professor’s question infused itself in my head and refused to let me drift off into my slumber. It was supposed to have changed my life . So not only was it supposed to be the worst day, but so life altering that it shaped who I’ve become today.

I guess that’s a simple enough question for some. When I looked around in my classroom, the other students began scribbling furiously. Why could I think of nothing? Certainly there had to be some obstacle in my life that had changed me. At some point in my life I’ve suffered a level of anxiety over some event. I know I have.

There were times I had tasted the warm salt of my tears. But not every tear was that of despair or some insurmountable circumstance. Some gave way to the simple love line in a movie. Some snuck out as hilarity overtook me in shudders of laughter. Maybe even some sad events took place. I won’t deny that. But how, if I’m focused on my pain and whatever circumstance I am going through, am I supposed to know that I’m going through a life altering experience?

Maybe this was that moment. Could it be possible that at the moment my professor asked his question, I had a life changing event? There really had been tears of pain in my life. Moments in which getting out of bed in the morning could bring about that mental breakdown. But what I’m coming to realize is I had done such a wonderful job at dealing with drama, death, and heartache, that in reflecting I’ve created normalcy out of the situations, to protect myself. There has been a string of wrongs that have allowed me to cherish the rights in my life.

Is it wrong to live in survival mode? Should I always expect the most positive outcome? Trust me, I’ve been called a pessimist before, but I’m not. I mean I don’t walk around expecting the worst all the time either.

I’ve just learned that life is 50/50. It can go the way you want or the other way. If you can accept that, than you’re going to learn that life is not about one life changing moment, at least mine isn’t. For me, life is taking the good with the bad. So Mr. Professor, it has been the good and the bad and the best and the worst, quite simply, life, that has shaped who I have become today.

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November 18, 2010 · 7:39 pm

Conundrum (Part V)

Conundrum (Part V)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
11/18/2010

As I came months from my due date, I had done a wonderful job of shutting everyone out of my life. There was just no one that truly understood the struggles that I faced as a single pregnant mother. Or so I thought. Because on my journey of shutting everyone out, there was a persistent friend that wouldn’t leave my side. She had been through everything with me and she refused to go away.

The problem with trying to maintain the image of strength on the outside when you feel you have very little on the inside, is the facade is easily recognized by those closest to you. So my best friend began to carry me as I mourned the loss of my self expectations.

With my child on its way, two kids, and the sprinkle of not enough, there was no way I could afford my lifestyle. I swallowed my pride and moved in with her and her two daughters. I had always called myself a Christian, but I had never explored faith. Now my friend was saying trust her, she had been in my shoes and it was going to be okay. What about my situation could speak to this “okay”?

As I began to move our stuff into her house, I noticed a small stone plaque near her front steps, “The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want” Psalm 23. She came up behind me and told me I was about to find out what that meant. That invoked a fear in me, because I didn’t want to want, I wanted to have. That was what I was used to. She laughed and told me to buckle myself in, because God was about to set my crooked path straight.

It wasn’t the first night in her house that I comprehended “okay”, nor the second or third. But it was a month later as we rearranged sleeping arrangements to set up the crib for my daughter. It was a month of living without all the “stuff” that I had allowed to mark my success. The material had always determined how far I was in my life. But with the departure of my husband, I felt a loss that couldn’t be replaced by stuff. I thought back to when she told me sell all my stuff and I laughed at her. Now I was rummaging through my “success” and locating the pictures and memories of my family. That’s all I wanted, all I needed. All the rest was replaceable.

In the blackness of the night, I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair next to the crib. There was a roof over my children’s head, clothes on their back, and they ate heartily. I smiled. At that moment in that room, I got it. “The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want,” Psalm 23.

*************************************************************************************
I dedicate this to a remarkable woman, Jennifer L. Texada. She is a wonderful friend and has stayed steadfast by my side as I’ve traveled down my path of faith. Without her loving heart and generosity, I would have turned around a long time ago. Thank you girl. You are a phenomenal woman. I am blessed to have you in my life.

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Filed under blessings, children, Christian, Conundrum, family, fiction, God, husband, wife

October 8, 2010 · 3:56 am

Monster III

Monster III
By: Mia L. Hazlett
10/7/10

With the slightest bump, my head seemed to crash against the steel pillow in the trunk that now jailed me. Nothing I did would release my legs or arms from their bondage. The tape over my mouth was suffocating and I had to remind myself to breath through my nose. I had to shift off my side and the tire they had thrown me on. My broken ribs couldn’t take one more hit.

The car began to slow and I stifled all movement. Then came the laugh, that maniacal laugh. All movement ceased. Car doors slammed. The trunk opened. I was lifted and thrown to the ground. A dog came and sniffed me. He was called away. I was left on the dirt behind the car.

I’m not sure how long I remained on the ground. It was still night so I knew we hadn’t driven far from where I lived. I was thankful that I fell asleep, because that was the only thing that kept the pain away. When I woke, dawn was making its presence. The dog from before slept less than a foot away. I tried to inch my way onto my back. Any sudden movement would reintroduce me to my broken parts.

Before I turned completely over, there was a swift shattering kick to my back. The dog scurried under a truck as I was heaved into the air. My screams didn’t make it beyond my taped mouth, but I couldn’t take the hefty shoulder that was stabbing my fractured ribs. With a deep rooted evil, he made a quick jump up with each step.

The walk took us through the woods to a clearing, which held a shack of some sort. We entered and descended down a stairwell into the same darkness I had experienced at my house. I couldn’t focus beyond my pain, but there was an soft audible crying coming from the pitch blackness that surrounded us.

I was thrown onto a mattress and introduced to a dim light from the corner of the small space. My arms, legs, and mouth were set free. Within seconds the door shut and the locked turned. I protected my pain by staying in my fetal position. There was no where I could go, so I decided not to irritate my wounds.

There wasn’t much I could see from my position, but then there was that crying again. I wanted to answer it with comfort, but I couldn’t withstand another blow of any kind. I was not sure how close or far my captors were. My consciousness refused to remain consistent, so I lost track of time. Minutes, hours, or days could have passed without my knowledge. I just knew movement equalled pain, so I remained in my little ball.

Awoken again, this time to the sound of the lock being undone and the door opening. There was a scuffle of feet. I don’t know if I was dreaming or if my eyes were swollen shut, but now that faint crying was sharing my space.

The cry spoke to me, “Linda? Linda is that you?” Shit! They had her too.

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Filed under fiction, horror, Monster, violence

October 8, 2010 · 1:51 am

Conundrum (Part IV)

Conundrum (Part IV)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
10/7/10

I was happy my affair with my husband was over. He had returned to his mother’s house, his biological wife. He sprinkled the children with not enough time or money, but I had to allow his free will to ruin their relationship. There was nothing I could say to make him want to be a better father and at this point the only thing I cared about was being a good mother.

As my stomach took over my body, my outlook on life began to change. I made the decision that I wasn’t going to stress about my current circumstances, but embrace my pregnancy wholeheartedly. Because in all actuality, I handled my two other pregnancies without him. I could do this one too.

The good part about taking your life back, you begin to shed those that aren’t working in your favor. So the first to go was his new chick. It was her hypocrisy of stealing their father and then wanting to coddle them through the pain, that made me sever the matriarchal tyrant. And in the transformation of wife to single pregnant mother, I realized that less him, I still had a family.

It was our card night, our game night, our movie night cuddled up on the couch, that made my house a home, not who lived in it. If that was the case, Go Fish would have ceased, Memory would be forgotten, and we would disperse to our separate corners in his absence. But pairs were still drawn, matches were made, and laughter, tears and popcorn littered our couch. So instead of dwelling on who had left, I had to prepare my home for who was on their way.

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Filed under children, Conundrum, family, fiction, pregnancy

September 30, 2010 · 2:55 am

Waiting on Love

Waiting on Love
By: Mia L. Hazlett
9/29/10

He cautioned her impatience, because He knew through her haste, her emptiness would remain unfulfilled. It was He who commanded her to love again, to feel again, to want again. For He had made man for her, but she had to be still. Stillness had to encompass her being in preparation for love.

But she surrendered to the newness and bitterness consumed her past. Her heart had been awakened and touched. The control she once mastered, cowered to the man who had captured her. She fought to be released, but reveled in his persistence. He did not simply reside in her heart, but he consistently fed her mind.

As the battle within her raged, she grew weary. She knew that the love she required was unrequited. The stillness surrounded her and the emptiness returned. Before the void devoured her; He promised her, the deliverance of her requited love remained in the patience of her faith. As she tasted her tear, she knew He had taught her to feel and want again. She allowed the stillness to encompass her being in preparation for love.

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August 30, 2010 · 10:41 pm

Conundrum (Part III)

Conundrum (Part III)
By: Mia L. Hazlett
8/31/10

As a little girl, I always believed there was a happily ever after. The concept of spending forever with someone was perfectly logical. But some how life got in the way of me spending my life with my forever. So now the only life that existed for me would be spent alone raising three children.

I wasn’t going to share the news of my pregnancy with my husband. Instead I was going to allow myself the joy of telling him quite the opposite should he decide to care or ask. I really didn’t care how big my stomach got, I would lie to him as he so enjoyed doing to me. But the God in me wouldn’t allow me to join the devil, so I called him and said I was locked out of the house and needed his keys. Granted still a lie, but it was the only way I could guarantee he would come home. Funny I was so afraid to lose my forever, even when I was lying to get it to come home and see me.

Luckily it was a lie and I had my set of keys, because I would have gone the bathroom on myself waiting the 45 minutes it took him to get home. He arrived in the bedroom with a quizzical expression. I continued to paint my nails and with a stroke of the brush, shared my news. He punched a hole in the wall and left without a word. My tears didn’t break until I heard the front door close. I had promised myself the night he dropped me off to go to his mother’s, he would never see me cry for him again.

It’s not that it was my forever that was now lost, but this is not the forever I had promised my children. The moment the nurse placed my daughters in my arms, I promised them that their parents would give them the world. Not that I would give them the world, but we would give them the world. But now I truly had to wrap my mind around the concept that he wasn’t going to be here forever. I, solely, will be my children’s forever.

Days passed without return. The house no longer skipped a beat and I started to run my home as if he no longer lived with us. The third day he returned and searched the kitchen for his dinner plate. Because his forever consisted of dinner on the table or in the microwave waiting when he arrived. But like I said, in my mind, he no longer lived here. There were no leftovers. I cooked for three now…well four.

Work was grueling now. It wasn’t like my other pregnancies when I was working. I had to treat this job as the sole income for my family now. I already carried all of the benefits, but I really had to stretch each check to ensure it covered all expenses. As I came to realize, I was short $260 dollars. If I could come up with that, I could sustain our lifestyle. I took the money he gave me for bills and began to save. Little did he know he was being worked out of our lives.

As I returned home from work two nights after he discovered he was no longer going to be served dinner, my realization from weeks past came true. The girls and I ate. My oldest bathed my youngest, because bending and kneeling were just too cumbersome and painful now. She than took a shower. I read them a story and tucked them in. As I hunted for my bathrobe, I noticed the space in my closet. There was a small space on both the floor and the rack. He had taken his clothes and shoes. I quickly checked the drawers in the bureau, only to find the same emptiness. He was gone. My forever-their forever was gone.

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